AVERAGE U.S. CITIZEN asks sheepishly: “Excuse me, yes, I’m sorry to bother you all, but could you possibly tell me a little bit about Japan? I don’t know the first thing about it. You see, I heard my congressman votes on one of those committees or something and I just wanted to make sure he is doing the right thing...for America. You know, before the election. Give it to me straight: what should I know about Japan?”

<long pause>

Answer: Well, any well-informed person should know that…

It’s a peaceful state.
-Edwin O. Reischauer

It’s a belligerent state!
-Tag O’Conroy

It’s a highly nuanced state.
-Ruth Benedict

It’s a highly simplistic state!
- James Clavell

It's a headless state.
-Karl van Wolferen

It's a democratic state!
-George Packard

It's a mentally repressed state!
-Masao Miyamoto

It’s just a boring state.
-Henry Kissenger

More like a US protectorate, not a state
-Ivan Brezinski

Or should we call it an entrepreneurial state?
-Edward Lincoln

Actually, it's a capitalist developmental state.
-Chalmers Johnson

More like a bankrupt state lately.
-Gary Saxonhouse

Or a crony capitalist state, to be exact.
-Jake Schlessinger

Let’s just call it the headquarters state.
-Leon Hollerman

A corporate state, really, the beginning of a “Japan Inc.”
-James Abegglen

Which lasted 5 minutes before we had the end of “Japan, Inc.”
-Christopher Wood

Making it, yes, a soured state...
-Richard Katz

Or perhaps just a normal state, after all.
-Hugh Patrick

But a misunderstood state, nonetheless.
-Bill Emmott

<long pause>

(Psst!) [whispering] Over here! Listen to me, son: you want to know what Japan is? I’ll tell you. It’s a superior state. It’s a state filled with clever bureaucrats secretly bent on taking over the world by dint of their huge trade surpluses and expanding foreign assets. Only I have been bestowed with this precious knowledge. Go write your congressman, quickly! And while you’re at it, see if you can get me an appointment. He won’t return my calls…
-Eamonn Fingleton


STUNNED AVERAGE U.S. CITIZEN: “Rrrrrright. Thanks. So in that case, we should. . .?”

We should contain Japan!
-James Fallows

We should rescue Japan.
-Richard Koo

We should cut a deal with Japan.
-Clyde Prestowitz

We should stiff arm Japan.
-Meredith Woo-Cumings

We should pull our troops OUT of Japan.
-E.B. Keehn

Actually, we should keep our troops IN Japan!
-Joseph Nye, Jr.

No, we shouldn’t!
-Steve Clemons

Yes, we should!
-Michael Green

No, we shouldn’t!!
-Chalmers Johnson

Yes, we should!!!
-David Asher

Ladies and Gentlemen-- if I might interject, it has come to my attention. . .
-Iwato Hashimori

Oh shut up!
-Jim Mack

BEMUSED AVERAGE U.S. CITIZEN: “I’m sorry. I don’t understand. What’s going
on here? Who are you people? What are you talking about?”

We were talking about the coming war with Japan.
-George Friedman

Actually, we were talking about bargaining with Japan.
-Len Schoppa

The clash with Japan.
-Walter LaFeber

The healthy relationship with Japan.
-Nat Thayer

The sick relationship with Japan.
-Glen Fukushima

REPENTENT Average U.S. Citizen: “Rrrrrrright, maybe this was a mistake. I should be going. . .”

The only mistake you made, my friend, is underestimating the Japanese economy!
- Thomas Flannigan

Yes, consider the bureaucracy. . .
-Edith Terry

There's too much of it.
-Karl Zinsmeister

No, there's not enough!
-Chalmers Johnson

MITI's was to blame.
-Hiro Ito

MITI was to thank!
-Chalmers Johnson

The MoF [Ministry of Finance] is their problem!
-Peter Hartcher

Actually, the MoF is their savior!
-R. Taggart Murphy

But their financial institutions are incompetent.
-Eugene Dattel

As well as MITI itself!
-Daniel Okimoto

You’re all stupid, I say! Japan is an economic dynamo set to overtake the
United States by the year 2000!
-Eamonn Fingleton


Average U.S. Citizen: Gulp “Excuse me. . .”

Excuse nothing! Japan is finished!
-Paul Gigot

It doesn't look good.
-Clay Chandler

Japan is at a crossroads.
-Kent Calder

It’s a new social revolution!
-Clayton Naff

With old social capital.
-Francis Fukuyama

But they're buying up everything!
-Rep. Traficant of Ohio

Look at the FDI!
-Dennis Encarnation

Japan is Number One!
-Ezra Vogel

That’s why business is war!
-Michael Crichton

It's the second Pearl Harbor!
-T. Boone Pickens

I knew they were reading Friedrich List!
-James Fallows

Japan Bashers!
-Robert Angel

Trade Deficit Parasites!
-George Packard

Peddlers of airport fiction!
-Alex Kinmont

Go do some research!
-Paul Krugman

I did and we're de-industrializing.
-Barry Bluestone

It comes from competition with the Japanese.
-Lester Thurrow

We need a strategic trade policy!
-Robert Reich

It makes perfect sense.
-John Judis

And I'll support it!
-Pat Buchanan

And this is coming from someone who still believes in creationism.
-George Will

Irate Average U.S. Citizen: “Okay, who locked the door?! [jiggling the handle] I can’t get out of here! Help!! I’m starting to get angry. . .”

Efficiency is all that matters, not your insignificant feelings.
-Jagdish Bhagwati

And Japan is NOT efficient.
-Doug Ostrom

Just look at its long-term return on capital.
-Arthur Alexander

Irrelevant! All it needs is fiscal stimulus.
-Adam Posen

The convoy will survive.
-C. Fred Bergsten

No, actually the convoy will sink.
-Peter Ennis

Japan Apologists!
-James Fallows

Agents of Influence!
-Pat Choate

Members, it has come to my attention that I may have breached the bounds of acceptable behavior by. . .
-Iwato Hashimori

Hey, Hash, you're a nutbar, and see my web site to prove it!
-David Aldwinckle

Average U.S. Citizen: “Would you all just go away please. Does this door need a key? Why isn’t it opening? (jiggling the handle) Why isn’t the door opening?! Let me out of here!”

The door to understand Japan has never opened, my friend. Lamentably, I -- Iwato Hashimori -- have for many years tried to bring a more refined perspective to those less fortunate souls desperately trying to seek truth and enlightenment. . .
-Iwato Hashimori

Average U.S. Citizen: “What the？ Who are the heck you? Get your hand off my shoulder!! Get away from me!”

Ehem, getting back to the Japan Question.
-Ken Pyle

Is it a question?
-James Williams

We should really be discussing amakudari.
-Ulrike Schaede

Or it’s post-Meiji ideology.
-Carol Gluck

And why it hasn’t apologized enough for the war.
-Ian Buruma

Better ask Nakasone first.
-Nat Thayer

No. Ask me!
-Iwato Hashimori

I'm surrounded by mental midgets.
-Chalmers Johnson

What was the question?
-Dan Quayle

We were asking about its future.
-Mike Mochizuki

No. We were talking about its past.
-John Dower

It was modern.
-Kurt Rostow

It was traditional.
-Ronald Dore

It was closed!
-Kodak, Co.

It was open!
-Fuji Film, Co.

We knew it!
-The Wall Street Journal

So did we!
-The Economist

America is triumphant, I tell you!
-Morton Zuckerman

America is doomed!
-Chalmers Johnson

I need a drink...
-Paul J. Scalise

© Copyright 2002-2005 JapanReviewNet, All rights reserved.